Photo by Yan Krukov from Pexels

Happiness is a Skill Kids Can Learn & Practice

by with No Comment EducatorsParents & Caregivers

A parent’s job is to teach their kids life skills. Skills such as self care, how to read and write, what to do in an emergency, tying their shoes or how to play an instrument or sport. 

But can parents also teach their kids happiness?

Many people think of happiness as a matter of innate personality traits (such as temperament, cheerfulness and outlook) and life circumstances. Basically, if you have a positive attitude and you catch a couple of lucky breaks in life you’ll be happy. Conversely, if you go through a series of external challenges and are more of a “glass half empty” person, you’ll be miserable. 

But, as it turns out, happiness comes down to a set of skills you can teach to your kids and help them practice until they become routine habits.

Why Teach Happiness

In short, the happier we are, the more successful we become.

Research has long shown that happy people are more successful across a multitude of life domains:

Happy people are also better able to multitask and endure boredom and are more creative, trusting and helpful.Teaching happiness to kids has protected students against the decline in self satisfaction, satisfaction with friends and positive emotions that are typically reported by kids starting their middle school years.

In other words, teaching happiness is one of the best things you can do to set your kids up for success in both the short and long term.

The RULER Framework for Teaching Happiness

As you can likely tell, “RULER” is an acronym for five skills that can be taught and practiced to increase happiness:

  • Recognizing emotions: How am I feeling right now? Physical cues such as posture, energy levels, breathing and heart rate, can help children identify what emotions they’re feeling throughout the day and how their feelings have affected their interactions with others.
  • Understanding the causes of emotions: What happened that led me to feel this way? Figuring out possible causes behind feelings can help kids anticipate and manage uncomfortable feelings and help them consciously embrace things that lead feels we want to foster.
  • Labeling emotions accurately: What words best describe how I’m feeling right now? Both adults and children have access to more than 2,000 words in the English language that can describe emotions. However, most of us stick to a limited vocabulary (“good”, “fine”, “sad”, “mad”, etc.). Cultivating a rich emotional vocabulary allows children to pinpoint and communicate exactly how they’re feeling.
  • Expressing emotions appropriately: How can I express myself in this time and place? Explaining to kids what we are doing and why when it comes to expressing our feelings gives them models they can follow when they express their own emotions at home, with friends or at school.

Regulating emotions: How do I continue feeling emotions I want to feel or shift my feelings if I’m not? Strategies to manage emotions both in the moment and in the long term are critical to overall happiness.

Tools and Activities that Teach Happiness

In addition to modeling behaviors and actions that demonstrate the RULER framework in action, parents, teachers and other adults can promote emotional intelligence and happiness skills through activities and games.

Mood meters

The mood meter is a simple and concrete tool that helps shift conversations about feelings away from the rote “good” or “fine” to more nuanced responses like “curious”, “excited”, “scared” or “confident”.

Mood meters have two axes: 

  • The horizontal axis represents how pleasant or “good” it feels to experience this emotion. The far left represents the least pleasant you can imagine feeling and the far right represents the most pleasant. 
  • The vertical axis represents how much physical energy we feel while experiencing an emotion. The bottom of the range represents feeling drained of all energy, as if you can hardly move. The top of the axis represents feeling essentially the maximum amount of energy possible in your body.

When plotted out, these axes form 4 color-coded quadrants

  • Red: The top left quadrant containing high-energy and unpleasant feelings
  • Yellow: The top right quadrant represents energetic and pleasant emotions
  • Blue: The bottom left quadrant is made up of unpleasant feelings that rob us of physical energy
  • Green: The bottom right quadrant has higher energy and more pleasant emotions

Image by: Solutions for a Better Day

By using the mood meter, kids learn how to recognize their emotions based on what they’re feeling physically and emotionally. 

As children learn to use the mood meter they learn more and more feelings words to describe emotions that fall into each quadrant, helping them to label their emotions with more nuance and depth than before. 

Perhaps the greatest benefit of the mood meter tool is that it teaches kids that there are no “good” or “bad” feelings.

There are feelings that are more pleasant or energizing than others, but all emotions are valid and ok to feel. And for less pleasant feelings, they can use the mood meter to recognize, understand and label those feelings and use that information to better express and respond to those feelings.

Read-alouds

Read-alouds activities involve reading a story or scenario and then having children discuss and answer questions about the characters thoughts and emotions over the course of the narrative. These stories can be anywhere from just a few paragraphs for younger kids, all the way up to full chapter books as they get older. 

Read-Aloud Sample Questions
RecognizeWhat is the character feeling in this moment? How do you know they’re feeling that way?
UnderstandWhat happened in the story to make the character feel this way? What makes you feel this way in real life?
LabelWhere would this character’s feeling fall on the mood meter? What color would you give this feeling?
ExpressWhat did the character do or how did they act when they felt this emotion? What else do people do with they feel this way?
RegulateWhat could the character do to help them feel something more pleasant? What do you do when you feel this way? What would you do for a friend who was feeling this way?

For younger kids, pairing a read-aloud with the mood meter helps them practice applying emotional intelligence to the story’s character in a context with which they are familiar and experienced. 

Printing out pictures of characters from the story and moving them around a mood meter as their feelings change helps kids better prepare to deal with their own range of emotions.

Read-alouds are great activities to expand children’s knowledge of feelings and introduce them to new vocabulary for expressing their emotions. Parents and teachers can choose specific stories that are relevant to certain vocabulary they want to teach. 

A story about a visit to the dentist can be used to teach words like “nervous”, “anxious” or “confident”.

Sharing personal experiences with emotions

Parents and teachers can share short and simple stories about a life experience and describe the emotions they felt during this experience. Hearing about the feelings and experiences of adults helps children understand helpful ways to express and regulate their emotions. 

By openly talking about their own feelings and describing how those emotions looked and felt and how they expressed them, parents and teachers can foster an environment where children feel safe and supported in sharing their own feelings. 

Like a read-aloud, personal stories should involve a discussion surrounding your feelings and actions. 

Conclusion

Parents, teachers and other caregivers can help children develop and practice the skill of happiness through a whole slew of games and activities. Embedding the RULER framework and tools such as mood meters and read-alouds, we can help kids develop the EQ foundation necessary for lasting happiness. 

Whichever tools and activities you use, what matters is taking the time to help kids recognize and understand their emotions so they can express them in an appropriate and constructive manner. 

By taking these few, simple steps, you can boost you children’s EQ and help better prepare them for long-term successful outcomes in all facets of their life.

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

The Power of SEL

by with No Comment BusinessesCommunitiesParents & CaregiversPolicymakers

Social-Emotional Learning  empowers children to manage their own behavior in positive and productive ways, shifting control to the child.

This counters the “compliance model” widely used in U.S. schools, where adults hold all the power in classrooms and children are passive participants, not drivers of their own development and learning.

Being active in their own development is fundamental to children’s Emotional Intelligence learning, along with acquiring the ability to manage one’s emotions. Managing one’s emotions is hardly a given for a large segment of the population that, without this learning, is beset with remarkably high numbers of people suffering from anxiety or depression, anger issues, or high degrees of interpersonal conflict, violence and suicide.

In fact, most of us experience more emotional upsets and their consequences than we would prefer – in relationships, work, friendships, and in the everyday course of life.

This may be good for the bottom lines of pharmaceutical companies and therapists but is hugely costly in infinite ways to the common good and to the pocketbook of the society as a whole.

Neuroscience readily supports the positive effects of Social-Emotional Learning. Emotional reactions have been found to reside in the primordially-earlier lower brain around the amygdala while more sophisticated learning, thinking, and creativity occur in the later-in-evolution frontal lobes or “higher brain.” Brain scans show that when the lower brain is activated by emotional upset it lights up while the higher brain literally goes dark in activity.

The implications for students can’t be overstated – all learning stops while students are emotionally agitated, with their minds either distracted or full of negative thoughts about themselves, others or the situations they are in. (Read more about Neuroscience.)

Conversely, academic learning takes place on a rapid scale once students are taught to manage their emotions and responses. Surveys of student and teacher satisfaction often soar into the 90 percentile after a school prioritizes Social-Emotional Learning.

*   *

An important note: Social-Emotional Learning should not be confused with what educators call “Positive Behavior Interventions and Supports (PBIS),” a widely implemented system based on “carrot-like” tangible rewards.

Moreover, in uninformed reports, some EQ goals and subset practices are mistakenly taken for the entire complex of EQ learnings students experience. Examples are “violence prevention,” “anti-bullying,” “grit,” “resilience,” “mindfulness” and “growth mindset” practices – the latter a training to be able to take on challenges and failures as normal and educational in themselves rather than as obstacles and defeats.

One other note: Education is littered with competing terms for Social-Emotional Learning, among them “emotional literacy,” “non-cognitive education,” “character education,” and “ethical and moral development.” By whatever name, schools adopting such learning should include the core competencies explained here and their goal should be the other term popular with educators: “Whole Child Development.”

Boy on headset 1200p

Parenting and TALK

by with No Comment Parents & Caregivers

Four months ago as I write this, I was sitting in the back seat of my daughter’s car next to my then 19-month-old granddaughter strapped into her safety seat. Her mother was driving.

“Mama, where are we going?” she called out.

“To one of your favorite parks,” her mother answered, and named the park.

“Oh, I love that. Caya is very excited,” the granddaughter said. Her name is Caya. “Are you excited, Mama?”

“Definitely, I am excited. Especially since I am with you and Bapi,” her mother answered. I am Bapi, which distinguishes me from Papi.  

Today, I called my daughter and Caya, now 23 months, and asked Caya how she was feeling,

“I am feeling very happy,” she said.

At other times when I call, she might answer, “I am feeling upset at the moment,” or “I am feeling sad,” and then briefly explain. One time, she was sad because their puppy had hurt itself.

Preparing for Precociousness

Not two years old yet, she comments on just about everything she encounters, asks questions whenever she doesn’t know about something, can count to 100 and past, and has been able to recite the alphabet almost since she could talk shortly after her first birthday. Her pediatrician estimates she has a 15,000 word vocabulary. You can have a reasonable conversation with her. Most children her age have a 500-word vocabulary.

My main point here isn’t that my granddaughter was born precocious or emotionally aware. It is how she got to this place that has value to parents reading this. She learned her way to where she is because her parents tutored themselves in parenting best practices and brought some of their own natural inclinations for open discussion and sharing to talking to their children. In large part, they talked their daughter, my granddaughter, towards precociousness and emotionally awareness.

Talk to Children: The Science

To understand how that happened, let’s start with some relevant brain science:

The human brain has 500 billion neurons. If all the brain fibers could be put in a line, they would go round the world twice. By the age of four or five a child’s brain is about 85% developed. This powerful  brain absorbs information that the child’s “conscious” part of the brain isn’t aware of, recording everything from words spoken to moods and visuals to patterns of behavior modeled by parents and others.

There is a famous story in medical lore of an adult patient who suffered brain damage in an accident and lost part of his memory. One day after his accident, he sat down at a piano and played a full Mozart concert, even though he had never played a piano or taken a lesson in his life. But he was a Mozart aficionado and had listened to Mozart recordings relentlessly in his life. Some knowledge of Mozart remained in his brain, below the level of conscious knowledge, until the accident helped surface it.

Talking Fills the Brain

So, it matters beyond measure what you feed your child’s brain, especially in these three areas: Information, Context and Emotional Awareness.

Here is what Caya’s parents do that you might consider in your parenting:

  • First, they talk to Caya almost nonstop, sharing information, explaining the outside world and their own movements and intentions at the moment.
  • They use imaginative playtime with Caya to share information and possibilities, such as choices a doll might like to make.
  • They understand that the more words and definitions and possibilities they share, the more will be recorded in their child’s brain and the more neural circuits will be built, helping Caya deal with contingencies as she grows.  

It can sound like this:

  • “What’s Emma’s favorite color?  What Is her favorite thing to do?”
  • “I have a sense Emma likes to play outdoors and her favorite thing at the park is the sandpit. What do you think?”

My daughter does with Caya what I did with my daughter. I was frequently narrating and explaining the outer world to them even in their infant stages–“This is an oak tree. Like other trees, it converts carbon into oxygen” –knowing it was being absorbed. Her mother, my wife, shared freely about the relational world between people and within themselves.

Now, my daughter organically just does the same, even more so than her parents did with her. It makes a difference.

So, talk. A lot. Do not assume it is wasted on a child. It builds information circuits and crucial encouragement for a child’s development and self-expression as it grows.

The EQuip Our Kids! Store has several games and toys that you can use to fuel talking with your child.

Interacting with your kids is sometimes challenging, but here are six reasons you shouldn’t yell at your children.

down-pixabay-2995957_1200p

Mirroring Emotional Intelligence for Your Child

by with No Comment Parents & Caregivers

It’s helpful for parents to understand the meaning of mirror neurons and how to use them to the best advantage of your children.

From the web:

“A mirror neuron is a brain neuron that fires both when an animal acts and when the animal observes the same action performed by another. Thus, the neuron “mirrors” the behavior of the other, as though the observer were itself acting. Such neurons have been directly observed in primate species. (from https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mirror_neuron)

“Mirror neurons allow us to learn through imitation. They enable us to reflect body language, facial expressions, and emotions. Mirror neurons play an essential part in our social life. They are key for the child development, as well as relationships and education.” (from https://blog.cognifit.com/mirror-neurons/)

What this means for parents is that whatever you do–how you speak and what you say, your body language and your style–are being implanted in the memory stick of your child’s brain thanks to mirror neurons. There your example remains, for your child to replicate in many ways.

To raise children with the capacity of emotional intelligence is to model best practices for them in your life and particularly in your exchanges with them. 

What is Emotional Intelligence? It is the ability to manage your feelings and behaviors and relationships in a caring, productive and responsive way. 

Here are some basics.

Modeling Self-Awareness and Emotional Transparency (Rather Than Acting Out)

  • Parents are humans who experience frustration and at times irritability.  But instead of acting frustrated and cranky, you can “mirror” for you children coping by taking a few deep breaths and telling your kids that it’s been a long day and you’re a little tense. In this way, you model how to manage frustration in a positive way.  Kids need to learn to name their feelings rather than act them out.
  • We all want to be seen and appreciated. Model it by openly sharing why you love, admire or appreciate your partner – this to your partner in front of the kids. Do the same with your kids every day – note the qualities in them you want to show appreciation for. 
  • Make it a norm to discuss your day and ask your kids about their days at school, to encourage open communication.
  • When your kids act out, empathize and encourage them to talk it out. This teaches your child that her emotions are valid.

Self-Management

  • Patience takes practice. From early childhood, kids gradually learn to manage strong emotions and to wait for gratification. Parents can teach and model patience and poise for kids.
  • Emotions are normal. To be punished for negative ones is experiencing the opposite of a parent who is emotionally intelligent – and you can expect your kids to model that. As much as possible share your feelings conversationally and encourage them to do the same.
  • Emotions run high when we are tired or hungry. When you help your kids understand that they’re extra frustrated because it’s close to bedtime or mealtime, you are helping them understand that their feelings are temporary and this frustration will abate.

Social Awareness

  • Through their childhood, kids do best when they learn to put their experience in perspective. Parents teach and reinforce these lessons in an empathetic way by sharing your own wider and empathetic perspective on events. You can also reinforce lessons by reading stories that reflect these values and through creative play.
  • Throughout the day, talk out recent playdates and other events with your child.
  • The height of social awareness is understanding the point of view of others in a non-judgmental way. So, when you talk about others, seek to explain the forces driving them, including the societal impediments as you understand them such as race or poverty.

Relationship Skills

  • Learning to maintain friendships and to get along with family is vital. Kids learn that building and maintaining relationships takes work at home.
  • Good listening rather than shutting others down is a superb relationship skill to model. The reminder for this is almost biblical: “Seek first to understand and then be understood.” Apply it with kids as well.
  • Every time you mediate a fight with siblings, you are helping kids learn relationship-nurturing skills such as conflict resolution.
  • When you help your kids plan a party with the goal of what would create the most satisfaction and connection for party goers, you are modeling consideration of others.
  • When you contact a friend who is upset, talk your partner through a tough day in front of the kids, or make sure you keep social plans with the kids, you are also modeling good relationship skills.

Decision Making

  • Deciding among a series of good or bad choices is challenging. Kids learn this well – or don’t– from their parents.
  • When you allow your preschoolers to pick from among three outfits or let them pick one toy to bring on an errand, you are providing them an opportunity to practice making a decision.
  • When you are having a hard time deciding what to order at a cafe and verbalize this, you are letting your kids know that decisions can be hard for grown-ups too.

All this can be hard work. Parenting is a tough but important job! Mirror neurons are one way to use biology in your favor. Learn more about the benefits of Emotional Intelligence your child will enjoy because of your hard work.

mother-child-pixabay-937038_800

Huffington Post Delivers New EQ Package

by with No Comment EducatorsParents & Caregivers

This recent Huffington Post article speaks for itself:

Our kids have had an exceptionally bad hand dealt to them the past few months. They’ve been separated from their entire social structure, their classrooms and all sense of normalcy. And parents have certainly struggled (to put it mildly) to keep up. So how can parents use this time at home ― whatever that looks like ― to teach their children other important life skills and foster their emotional intelligence?

HuffPo answers that question with a package of resources.

One part of the package outlines seven habits of highly emotionally intelligent kids. Those habits include

  • Fluency with emotions, theirs and others
  • Perspective taking
  • Gratitude

The package includes links to other relevant HuffPo articles kids’ emotional intelligence.

Also, don’t miss the gallery of 35 children’s books that teach empathy and kindness.

Read the full article

10 things educators-01

10 Ways Educators Can Slowly Implement Social and Emotional Learning Programs

by with One Comment Educators

Social and emotional learning (SEL) initiatives can encompass different strategies at every school or school district, and educational approaches to SEL may not look the same from classroom to classroom. As school districts across the country are integrating SEL into the curriculum, the daily educational environment for children has evolved from a primarily intellectual-based learning approach to emotional growth exercises as well.

emotional learning

Emotional Learning Starts in Infancy: Giving Your Child the Best Start

by with No Comment Parents & Caregivers

Emotional learning is a lifelong process that begins at birth and continues throughout your child’s entire life. It’s common knowledge these days that children with high EQ have better lifelong outcomes, from school to work and beyond. The benefits include increased life satisfaction, better relationships, and higher stability. Who doesn’t want that for their child?